When you are struggling with your personal relationships, it can be hard to get out of the negative thinking spirals. Suddenly, everything in life seems harder to deal with, you aren’t sleeping well, you're tired and words and actions can trigger you much more easily than they used to. You can quickly find yourself trapped in a pattern of negativity when you feel you have very little option rather than removing yourself from the relationship.
Not so.
The first thing you should be focussing on changing… is your breath. You need to practice breathing properly again. When we are stressed, we shallow breathe from our chest not our abdomens. This keeps all the cortisol running around our body and we are in ‘fight or flight’ mode, ready to defend or attack at all times. You can probably feel your nerves jangling ‘as if you are on the edge’. The very first thing you need to do is to turn this mode off. You will NOT arrive at solutions while you are in fight or flight mode no matter how much you think about things – you will just be spiralling deeper into negative thought patterns and worry. Do square breathing – in to the count of 4, hold to the count of 4, exhale to the count of 4 and hold to the count of 4 and repeat for ten minutes. OR Lengthen your exhale. In to the count of 4 and out to the count of 5, in to the count of 4 and out to the count of 6…just make your exhale longer than your inhale and don’t exhale past 7 or 8 counts.
The second thing you need to do is to stop the negative thinking in its tracks by changing your energetic vibration. When we are stressed, the vibrations can be sensed by and affect others – you don’t need to be an energy worker to pick them up, you know when someone is stressed. The minute a negative thought enters your head, imagine you are on a beach for 30 seconds no longer. You can feel the warm sea breeze. You can hear the sound of the sea. You can see the sunlight glisten on the waves. You might be alone or you might have people you love nearby but you are peaceful. 30 seconds of feeling you are there and no more. You have now changed your vibration. Your heart rate will drop, your systems are no longer tensed. Do this as much as you need to.
You can alternatively try the 5 senses meditation. Close your eyes and identify:
• What does the room you are in look like?
• What is the furthest away sound you can hear?
• What is the nearest sound you can hear?
• What can you smell?
• What can you taste?
This brings you back to your body and spirit which is where you need to be (and out of your emotion).
The third thing you need to do is to be present in the Now as much as possible without thoughts running through your mind, draining your energy tank further. When you walk down the street, listen to the sounds of your feet/the birds, feel your breath. Feel the clothes on your skin. Truly look at your surroundings and just notice your breath in and out.
The fourth thing is to make sure you are looking at things in context. We all carry emotional baggage from our childhoods, our experiences in life, even our ancestry. And we all have egos, whether we care to admit this or not, that are ready to fight to the death! Try the 'focus wheel exercise'. Focus on what you do NOT want in your life. Then think of the opposite (which is what you want) and draw it in a circle. You then need to think of statements that resonate with what you want and write 12 of them down around the edges of the circle like hours on a clockface. E.g. if you do not feel loved and supported, write in the middle of the circle 'to feel loved and supported'. A statement that 'I have a partner who always supports me' will not feel true to you. But a statement that 'things are better than they seem', that 'my partner sometimes supports me', that 'I have had lots of joyous moments with my partner', that 'I am being given the tools to help me', that 'people mirror my inner beliefs' etc may all still be true and help you reframe your emotions into context and you write those around the edges of the circle. Take a step back and look at the circle.
The fifth thing to do is to choose how and when to have a discussion with your partner. If you start a discussion while you are having a reaction to something your partner has said or done, it will be your ego and previous emotional baggage directing the discussion the way they want, not your true inner self and you will get nowhere. It does not generally need to be said ‘in the moment’. The golden rules when having a discussion:
Know your intention and desired outcome beforehand.
Consider before raising an issue that you might be acting on your own emotional baggage and share it with your partner without any blame. Can you think of moments in your childhood where you felt the same emotion (e.g. unsupported)? What was your parents’ relationship like? How did they resolve conflicts? Appreciate that our lives are purely perception and in every circumstance without exception there are several viewpoints. If you said your story to ten different people, they would have different levels of reactions to it depending on their underlying emotional backpack. Internalising your stories and keeping quiet just breeds resentment. Watch this – the comedy story about the swimming with her husband perfectly describes this point:
https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability/transcript?language=en
If despite your best efforts, emotions rise up, remember it is simply trapped energy needing to be released. Deep breathe and notice the emotions without playing judge and jury or the counsellor. Let them be. E.g. I am angry. I can feel the angry energy trapped in my chest. No more than that. Don’t resist the emotion or blame your partner. Remember the ego will try very hard to sabotage this but laugh at it if you can.
Take turns to talk. Absolutely no interruption. Use holding a spoon if needs be!
Focus on the issue. Use ‘I statements’ not ‘you always/you never’.
Brainstorm possible solutions. There often isn’t a right and wrong, it’s just perception and emotional baggage coming out from both side.
Ask these questions: What is the most important part of what you are saying? Is there anything you would like me to do? Have you said everything you need?
Reflectively listen. This means you repeat back to them what they have said. ‘So what I heard from you was you are feeling xyz.’ Don't agree, disagree or try to solve the issue for them, simply repeat what you have heard.
Consider if an apology is needed. Never, ever, ever 'I'm sorry but'. You are not in front of a public vote. You do not need to prove someone was right or wrong. You simply say the words 'I'm sorry', just like you tell your children to!
Finally, if you are spiritually minded…please read below.
Spiritual teachings tell us that our partners are mirrors and our relationships are our greatest spiritual messengers. On a soul level, we choose our partners for precisely the lessons they can give us in this life. Look back at your failed relationships. Did you learn something valuable? I don’t mean ‘I learnt my ex was an a+%hole!’ Did you actually learn something about yourself in the process? The ultimate goal is to be able to send love to our enemies and know our challenges are messages they have given us.
On a spiritual level, we are always being guided in the right direction for our greatest good. This is true regardless of your religion – whether you feel this is God/Source/your Higher Self/angels/the Holy Spirit/Christ, the Divine Goddess….ultimately our Soul is always guiding us in the right direction even if it may not feel like it at the time! When you are challenged, it feels like life is going wrong.... but these are actually turning points for spiritual growth. Often, it is the times of greatest stress (bereavement, divorce, illness) which forces people to finally get out of the hamster mill of their lives and go within and ultimately find greater spiritual peace and growth.
As you grow spiritually, you no longer feel abandoned at the mercy of ‘life’ and its seemingly random events, you come to recognise the spiritual helping forces at work in your life. Crucially, you realise you are never alone, that we are all One from the same Source, with a common goal to evolve as spiritual beings having a human existence. You find greater inner contentment. You may well find your exterior circumstances will improve because those conflicting experiences are no longer needed to give you those messages and your higher vibrations have attracted a different reality. There are infinite possibilities you energetically attract and choose every day and each one contributes to your growth. There will always be opportunities to change and grow. It is work. That is the ultimate point of our lives. But as you take the first step, to open yourself up to change, changing your perceptions of energy, changing your perceptions of people and the roles they play in your lives and taking responsibility for your own life, you open the door for the inner peace to return where it belongs.
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